


How Supernatural saved my life

by NishlaTheButterfly



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bullying, Fighting for your life, Gay, Homophobia, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Supernatural saved my life, Swearing, religious conflicts, self hatred, tfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21884941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NishlaTheButterfly/pseuds/NishlaTheButterfly
Summary: This is not a fictional story, this is real.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	How Supernatural saved my life

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING Homophobia, Selfharm, Suicide, Religious Conflicts, Dysphoria, Bullying, Swearing and Self hatred. If you know, that you are sensitive towards any of these topics, please do not read the following story. This is not a fictional story. Treat yourself right.

**TRIGGER WARNING** Homophobia, Selfharm, Suicide, Religious Conflicts, Dysphoria, Bullying, Swearing and Self hatred. If you know, that you are sensitive towards any of these topics, _please do not read the following story. This is not a fictional story._ Treat yourself right.

Hey, I'm Nishla. I am 18 years old, in my last year of High School right now, my pronouns are she/they (I'm genderfluid) and I'm from Germany (so remember that English is not my first language what could cause some grammar and/or spelling mistakes). I want to share my story with. So here we go (last warning, please don't continue to read if you are sensitive towards any of those topics I mentioned earlier).

First things first, how did I found out about the show _Supernatural_? Well, I was doing some research about Wendigos (cause I'm a fucking Nerd) and I saw a lot of references to this amazing show. So I thought I will give it a try. 

Well, in that time I wasn't just researching, I was also extremely suicidal, so suicidal that I already had my suicide letter written. Why was I suicidal, you ask?

Well, **first** of, my 'family' is religious, sexistic and homophobic. And I'm an atheist (they don't know), born in a female body (I'm pretty they do know that) but I'm also genderfluid (they don't know) and bisexual (they don't know).

If you are straight, you need to know that coming out to yourself has three steps:

1\. Questioning   
2\. Realizing   
3\. and most important step: Accepting

When you don't get to the "Accepting" step, you'll get into denial what causes that you start questioning _again_ and to realise _again_ and to deny _again_ what causes that you start questioning _again_ and to realise _again_ and to deny _again and again and again and again..._ You can be trapped into this vicious circle for ages and the only way to get out of it, is through accepting your sexuality. I first questioned my sexuality when I was 11... I accepted it on my 17th birthday. I was on denial for 6 years. Because of the religion of my parents, because of what other people though about us queers, because of what bad things is happening to us queers (RIP to every Orlando victim🏳️🌈, you guys are not forgotten) etc etc...

 **Second:** As if it wasn't stressful enough to question my sexuality, I started to question my gender. Stuff like, when my breast started to grow I was so fucking angry, same goes for my period, or I still hate the fact that my arms are so skinny, no matter how hard I workout... (btw, I'm still not 100% sure if I'm actually genderfluid, I'm just definitely sure I'm not entirely female, but I don't wanna fucking label it anyways...). And my parents hate it, that I don't dress "female".

 **Third:** I started to question the religion that my parents teached me, because it didn't make sense to me. When I asked those questions to my parents they got so angry at me, that they made me think that I'm an abomination.  
**Fourth:** I was bullied at school... Idk why, I guess I was the weird kid who dressed and talked funny ( I have a linguistic problem).  
**Fifth:** I used to have a toxic friend, who used me to feel better about herself. I was never brave enough to end the friendship, cause I thought it was the only friendship I had and I didn't wanted to be alone again. When she changed school and we lost contact, I thought my world will end.  
**Sixth:** Because of all of the above I started to hate myself and I thought something lacks that makes me feel alive and I started to harm myself (a little advise from an ex- self harm person: Remember that there is more than just pain that makes you aware that you are alive)

  
Well there is a lot of other messed up stuff that I could include but I'm not ready yet. So I got suicidal.   
  
When I started Supernatural, there were "only" 11 season out, and they were shooting the 12th one. [Little fun fact: Carry on my wayward son is coincidentally playing in the background while I'm writing this xD] So I thought "Cool, by the time that I will finish season 11, season 12 is probably gonna be already completely out." Well, when I finished s11, I still had to wait 2 months until the first episode of s12 was going air... Jap, I binge watched (cause I'm a fucking Nerd).  
First it was just wanting to know what will happen next episode that kept me alive, but then I saw how much Sam, Dean and Castiel (and later also Jack) fight to stay alive...  
Then I heard about Jared's " ** _Always Keep Fighting" Campaign._** **And I kept fighting, and I will always keep fighting.**

And it inspired it me to stay alive... And if I wouldn't have stayed alive, I never would have met my friends, I would have never saw myself being out, proud and loud, I never would have challenged myself to start new hobbies, I never would have wittnessed how much better my life got... So thank you Supernatural for saving my life, for making me witness my own strength.  
And a special thank you for Jared Padalecki and his _Always keep fighting campaign_ and the _Supernatural Family._ I have no idea how I'll deal the s15 finale, but you guys showed me that I will survive that too. If I somehow inspired you to tell your story, please tag me, cause I wanna hear your story too.


End file.
